some days

Yesterday afternoon I went to a memorial service for a family friend and, as usual, I’m re-examining my life. His name was Dragan and he was a doctor, like my parents, and we have known him and his family since we came to Canada some 40+yrs ago. It’s just amazing to me how we all coast along collecting our days and experiences, and years and years pass.

Then comes a celebration of life, 89 years of Dragan’s life, and slowly it becomes clear that my day by days, my life experiences aren’t good enough.

I’m thinking that I need to make life goals. Then thinking about all the people I know who make life goals and why they are better than me.
I’m wondering how it’s possible that some people get to do exactly what they want.
I’m marveling at, while simultaneously hating, people who do exactly what they want.
I’m thinking, “I’m going to visit all the countries I haven’t see in all the world in the next ten years!” and then realizing that there are a ton of countries on that list, so probably not.

I like to think that my angst gives me the air of a sullen Bohemian with a true world view and a penchant for taking important photographs, but as usual I’m floundering in a thin watery gruel of self-doubt. But what else is new?

Anyway, there’s work to be done. Bulbs need planting, roses need pruning, weeds need pulling, and leaves need raking. Oh, and there’s a note pinned to my car keys which says “buy beans and lentils.”

PS: Here is the only photo of Dragan I could find yesterday. Here he is somewhere in his 40s, impeccably dressed, as he always was.
PSS: That’s my mom
PSSS: She’s going to kill me for this photo.