these are days that must happen

May 23, 2012

The thing to remember is that there are days like this and these are days that must happen.

I’ve been thinking about life going on and paths taken and moments lived until…you know…there aren’t any options and you stay in one place and there you die.

Yesterday I had a talk with a friend whose company just went back to their home in South Africa. They will be too old to travel out of South Africa again and they will never leave. The sad thing is that they wanted things to be different.

This was a very small part of a very long and lovely conversation but that’s the small part which grabbed hold of my heart. It has me thinking of some relatives who still live in the Czech Republic and would wish to live elsewhere. It has me thinking of all the people who are stuck where they are without hope of immigration…without hope of a better life. I feel their resignation. And it’s sad.

The logical part of my brain(the one I have a habit of arguing with) tells me it’s ok…that’s the way it goes…and anyway people are born in one place, it makes sense that they will die someplace too and their death will be marked in history like their birth was.

It’s really hard to listen to logic sometimes.

Because then, then I find myself standing in the wrong line and look longingly at the line I judge as the right line and berate myself for making the wrong judgement call. And I judge that that’s such a silly thing to be doing. And my heart begins to close up like a nautical telescope. I’d rather leave my heart open and feel this sadness and live thru this day.

Isn’t it overwhelming sometimes? This living, this trying to live a full life. The duck-downy pinkness of my heart is full of a terrible sadness, an empathy and a mourning for those people, for all people (who I don’t even know), for their stuck-ness, for the end of dreams…the ending of dreams…certain dreams.

I don’t want the certainty of ending up in someplace. Maybe that why I’m so unsettled, so hard to pin down. I look at the butterflies pinned to boards and framed behind glass hanging on the walls in my house. I want to breathe life into them and set them free in a green and perfect land.

What I really wanted to say to you, what I keep repeating to myself today, is that it’s alright to feel like this…to have days like this and that days like this must happen.

There is such a longing for calm in my heart. I wish I could hold onto that calm and know that it would be somehow lasting.

She said - he said, two degrees of separation
Free verse to Clover

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11 Comments

  • Reply Frank Gasch May 23, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Very well put Veronica. I am so thankful that during the later part of June, that I will be able to move to Texas It is where I want to be.
    Frank

  • Reply Esther Bradley-DeTally May 23, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    you write about this well

    • Reply Veronica May 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

      Thank you Esther. I love reading thru your site too 🙂

  • Reply Muddy Kinzer May 24, 2012 at 9:25 am

    There is something very sad about resignation…it’s like losing hope. Your post today made me want to fight back against resigning to what seems like inevitability. Thank you for that!

    • Reply Veronica May 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

      It’s so true Muddy. And I was in a foul mood so it probably came out stronger. But I felt much better as soon as I wrote that. Don’t you find that happens? I do.

  • Reply Kirra May 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Great post!

    • Reply Veronica May 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

      Thank you Kirra

  • Reply Muddy Kinzer May 25, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Love your words and your art and the fact that you introduced me to the Vancouver Draw Down! For those reasons and more, I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Read more about it here: http://www.muddyingthewaters.com Congraulations!

    • Reply Veronica May 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

      Muddy, that’s so sweet, thank you. I’ll have to figure out how it all works.

  • Reply catherine llewellyn May 27, 2012 at 2:56 am

    lovely

    isn’t this part of what we live with by having a physical body, and experiencing ourselves as individuals – being separate and housed in a body brings the perceived reality of being in one place only, not everywhere – wherever we go in the world we are still here in our body – something we can never escape whilst being wedded to individuality

    luckily we have the capacity to detach from that limiting state and connect with universal energy – freeing ourselves from being inoneplace – being everywhere all at once

    … or something …

    x

    • Reply Veronica May 27, 2012 at 6:19 am

      Catherine! ♥
      I wish I could “detach” like you can. More practice in meditation is what’s needed I think. Also more good books. R Told me of Bitterblue; can’t wait to read that.
      x

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