Attempted crisis management: hunkering down in the desert

On an impulse I drove south.South for days.I came to the lowest place I could think of: Death Valley.After all, if one is at the lowest place, any move one makes has to be up! There's just nowhere lower to go.So I've come here to stay for a few days and sort myself out.The soundlessness is huge. It's heavy.So is the air at 282ft below sea level, and that heaviness rushes into my lungs.I can finally take a deep breath. All the way without that horrible feeling of not being able to breathe.The enormity of Death Valley is overwhelming.Miles and miles of sedimentary deposits, huge granite canyons, sandstone, sand, salt...The sensation here is unlike anything in the forest.Some sort of power eminates from this harsh, unforgiving vastness.Hiking here is nothing like the plodding down a green and wet forest path that I'm used to.Here the danger of being out of cell range and trapped by the heat without adequate supplies is very real.But the rhythmic dry crunch of the grit and sand and salt underfoot is comforting.I'm going to stay here for a while.I'm happy in this silence.Read: The Wisdom of Donkeys by Andy MerrifieldListened to: Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

What the hell? Yeah, I know!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.I'm alive!All is well.When my mother mentions that I haven't written a post in ages, I feel vaguely guilty but don't worry too much.When Robert tells me that he loves rereading my posts I think aw, poor boy away from me, but we talk every day, so put off writing.When our neighbour pops round the cottage to make sure we're alive and mentions that I haven't written in ages, and when my sweet cousin in Slovakia starts emailing me to find out if all is well!!!!Then I know I've been putting blogging off for far too long.On of the major reasons I blog is to have a creative outlet.But when other creative outlets are briming over the top, I don't feel the need to blog.I know that's bad.But it's good in another way. It means I'm finding interesting, creative and fulfilling things in my art practice.But back to life...lol.Chloe's boyfriend Bryson turned 26 the other week, and Chloe planned, organised and executed the best surprise party for him.There were way too many 20-30 somethings in the house all having a brilliant time.And that very same evening, my daughter Kerstin and her family came into town to stay with me.Everyone stayed up way too late, (and our little ones slept in; which was fantastic), and the next morning we had a tea party in the living room.Weekend came and went and I retreated back into the studio because I'm working on some over-the-top expressive pieces to break out of a rut.These I had done and put them up on the dining room wall for my meeting with my art consultant.We had a really good meeting talking about the directing I might want to take my art.I know this is a quick catch up and doesn't make up for two month of radio silence from me.Life...eh?I'll be better.

Hello from Sunday night. Oh the drama to get here!

This definitely fits into my "if you can believe this!" category.The day came too quickly, and I had to return to Vancouver and leave Robert for a few months, so he drove me to Heathrow, I went up to the British Airways counter...and, after three hours of waiting, there was no seat on my plane for me.Well, if you can believe this: BA had two planes grounded because of freezing weather-related problems and put two smaller planes on the routes, and this meant that a few people got booted from their flights and treated to three hours waiting at Heathrow with all their luggage, and then being bussed to the Holiday Inn for the night.Happily, I had a day spare between leaving England and a very important CT scan in Vancouver, but I only had the one day spare. As BA couldn't guarantee a seat on the next day flight because of priority backlog and sold out planes, I had no choice but to take American Airlines to LA and Air Canada from LA to Vancouver. I walked up to the AA counter at which point the man working there looked at me funny as there were no more AA planes going out, and asked me if I was there to check in. I told him that in all probability I was there to cause him problems and he laughed and booked me a seat on the AA flight.So, faced with 16 hours of flight adventure, I took the bus to the hotel, made myself at home, had supper and a bath, and an early night.I must say that BA is very organised when they cannot accommodate a passenger.They had coupons for the bus trips, for supper, breakfast and lunch, a couple coupons for a drink at the airport and practically a full refund on a prepaid Mastercard as compensation.So back to Heathrow the next morning. I went to queue up to drop my luggage off and an AA security clerk gave me the third degree with 20 questions. Wow, never had the third degree from a specialised security clerk. Apparently necessary for entering into America.But finally, I was on my American Airlines flight to LA.And, I must tell you something else. I couldn't upgrade because the flight was full, but that nice man booked me into a bulkhead seat where I had so much room that I could totally stretch out my legs!So four movies and 12 hours later, we landed in LAX.I had a 3 hour layover and was actually looking forward to popping outside for a little California sunshine, lol.Dammit!So no sunshine.I got my luggage, cleared it thru customs, forgot about an orange, had to surrender it at the agricultural customs, had to have my luggage xrayed again, collected my luggage....and realised I had left my iPad pro on board the plane!So by this time I had about an hour and 20 minutes before my Air Canada connection.I forwarded my luggage onto the AC flight and sprinted to the AA counter to have them call the plane to get my iPad.By then it was 45 minutes to my connecting flight, and guess what? The iPad would take at least an hour to clear thru customs!Dammit!A good talk with security to find out how best to get the iPad back, I had to leave it behind and get on my AC flight.Got to Vancouver...but, despite checking my luggage thru, my luggage stayed in LA.So I walked out of the airport with my purse, camera case and on-board bag to a great big hug from Chloe, and we went home.The next morning, I drove X town, taught my first wellness journal class of 2018, went to my CT scan, and got home at 8pm.No luggage.The next day I chased down my luggage, which was promised between 3pm and 8pm, and it finally came at 10:30 that night!But hey, it's all here, nothing broken, all unpacked, laundry done.My iPad is still in LAX, but thanks to the ingenious brains who are my FB friends, it turns out that a company in Blaine Washington will recieve it for me and I just have to pop over the border to pick it up.And all is good. Except that I finally did succumb to that nasty cold which I managed to avoid in the UK. I suppose 16 hours of sardine can air flights will pass the germs around like no other.So I took the weekend to rest in bed and Chloe brought me an orange, turmeric and ginger power shot from The Juicery and two anti cold juices.I've been absolutely overdosing on the vitamin C and taking my zinc and so I think this cold is on its way out the door.I haven't got time to be sick.Besides, now I have to prepare to film a little video for Opus Arts, paint 10 paintings for a late Feb meeting with my art counselor, and drive down to Blaine to retrieve my iPad!So, how was your week? :D

Hello, and, where the hell have I been this November?

Hi everybody,well, this is a fine mess, isn't it?I haven't written for ages.Halloween came and went, November came and went, and radio silence from me.Actually, things are happening around me and I'm part of that world but I'm walking thru it in my usual fog of melancholy and depression; except that some days that fog turns supernova.It's taken November for the supernova to burn out. Nobody can do a supernova of depression like me!So here is a little look back at November on my last morning in Vancouver. Later today I'm off to the UK.November started with Hollywood North right in my front yard.We had streets and streets of movie trucks block up the hood for a week.They were shooting The Dog's Way Home in the park on the corner and constructed an entire derelict cabin complete with long grass and chainlink fencing.Apart from the no parking zone in front of my house, it was fun watching the movie being made. OMG that's some serious money and equipment and days and hours of prep and filming for one 20 minute section of film. No wonder movies cost so many millions to produce.I taught two therapy journal sessions.I'm really grateful for the time I get to work with all sorts of incredible people who are looking to find a way back to being able to express themselves when things look dark in their life. And I'm so happy to learn that my course is the most requested and most popular wellness course right now.It was Kerstin and Adam's wedding anniversary, so they dropped our little girls off with us and headed down to Seattle for a nice long weekend.The girls were excited to be with us but the little Ziglet got a bit upset to see her parents leave,so we made smoothies to make things better.And then we got the ancient marionettes and had a puppet show.Other times we just hung out and let the girls have their video games.We did spend a lot of time in the studio drawing,and, because their playroom in right beside my studio, I thought I might fit in a bit of drawing.Nope, the girls and the toys won me over each time.We didn't spend all weekend at home though. We had Sbux picnics and stopped at my friend Dalyce's bookstore, Booklovers, for armloads of books.And we took them to the climbing gym.This first photo I took of Chloe and Bryson explaining to the girls the rules of climbing is hilarious. The girls look so unsure! Like, "you want us to do what?"But as soon as we took them into the practice cave, they were off! Spider monkeys all three of them.And they loved watching auntie Chloe climb more difficult routes.Within the hour, Ever was reaching the top of the easier routes. Isla was a little unsure about going higher than our hands could reach, but still managed to touch the top hold, and little Zoe most favourite thing in the world was squishing the chalk bag and putting white handprints on my black leggings.I had some art success this month. I was accepted for one solo show but turned down for three others.That's always so crushing to me. So I asked a renowned art consultant for help.She advised me to completely change my subject and style.I know she's right, but it didn't help the supernova to burn itself out.So I went out and bought a bunch of lilies and peonies and drew and drew and drew.I did get somewhere and that helped a lot. It's been ages since I just drew for hours just for the pleasure of drawing.In the middle of November Chloe and I found ourselves with a week without appointments or anything pressing, and so we drove to Kelowna to visit Kers and have a mini-vacation.It actually was the best decision.We arrived int he evening and, after supper and putting the girls to bed, guitars and ukuleles came out and we projected notes from an app on the TV and played and sung some favourite tunes.This is Kerstie and Adam's dog Ruby. She's a redbone coonhound puppy and slightly difficult to manage right now. She's the sweetest thing in the world and we all love her, but untrained hounds, whose habit it is to lead by their nose, are impossible to recall until they decide to come back hours and hours later, so she must stay on a leash for the moment.But that's just fine with me. I drove her out to my kid's property for the day.The plan was for Chloe to finish laying the floor in her airstream and I would hike Ruby a couple of times around the 22 acres.Kerstie and Adam's property is so beautiful that it's easy to hike there for hours.And the views over Lake Okanagan and spectacular.This can be bear and cougar country, so eventually Ruby will have an important role to play protecting her family.Here is the view at the very top of the 22 acres.I gathered some seedpods and twigs and grasses as subjects for drawing.I found some deer antlers and a deer skeleton while I was hiking around......and so brought the children up to see them.They're great hikers and loved seeing the bones. Isla found the spot where the deer died and found a bunch of deer fur. So in the interest of science, we gathered some deer fur in our pockets to put on the science table...and promptly forgot about it.We hiked down and found that Chloe had finished all she could of the floor for now. Those are the antlers I found.A last few looks around, time to lock up the airstream, and head back to town.Supper is almost ready, so naturally everyone has to swing.So we said goodbye to my family and drove back to Vancouver to deal with a hectic week.Health checks and tests, a plumbing emergency at mom's house which has now required insurance and massive restorations, an emergency middle of the night visit to the hospital with Chloe. (She's alright but more health complications.) A new roof on my garage! Oh boy. The pits of real life.But at least the sun is shining after months and months of rain (marginal exaggeration).And that was my November guys.I'm off for Christmas in OXON with Robbie and a bit of a break from real life in Vancouver.Mind you I just ger real life in the UK.At least the supernova has burnt itself out into a little dull and flickering flame.

The night of the advection fog

The strange white light in the meadow past the pine trees. Advection fog?The running like a maniac back to the cottage for my camera and the sprint back out again!The trudging thru the nettles and brambles and thru the pines to get a better look.The magic!It only lasts for a few minutes, but how glorious is it?Back to the cottageThis switching countries thing of mine is here again.I have to leave Oxfordshire for a few months but I will take all my wonderful memories of this summer with me.

Salzburg and aunt Vera

A little continuation from yesterday.Like I said, I've driven all over Austria searching for the perfect place for my aunt Vera to rest.I've never had a responsibility like this before. I've never laid anyone to rest anywhere before.This has been really hard.I considered the family crypt in Prague but felt my aunt wouldn't ever want to be underground.I considered a lot of beautiful sites and beautiful places I know, but nothing felt right. Except Austria.This is the place where my aunt spent the happiest years of her life and so I decided she had to be here for eternity.I looked at Vienna, didn't feel right, then I thought Linz, but no. Linz is too industrial and too dirty. So I drove the extra 100K down here to Salzburg and suddenly everything felt right.On a whim, I got a room at the Hotel Sachre; a beautiful old world hotel.Julie Andrews stayed here so I feel I'm on the right path...lolComing without reservations meant there was a little fuss about getting a room ready for me....lol. Three people to make a bed!And then, early evening I walked into the town.Hello Fraulein dirndl.I love dirndls, don't you? So cute.The Salzberg shops were all closed but the restaurants were busy.I just walked all over the town all afternoon.I walked past the river and noticed the beautiful wildflowers.Then I looked up and saw the alpine meadows.Then I knew. That's where I needed to take my aunt's ashes.So, feeling much better about everything, I stopped at the Lidls store for a little something to eat and went to the room, had a bit of supper...... had a bath, and lights out.This morning, Sunday morning, I walked out of the hotel......and walked on beautifully empty streets!I walked over to the nearest, (and probably only) Sbux...And got myself a nice, hot tea, got directions for the meadows, checked out of the hotel, and headed for the hills.And I found it guys!The perfect meadow.Yes I dressed in a dirndl!When in Austria!Here is a 360 view of my aunt's meadow:I said my goodbyes to my aunt.I opened the urn and scattered her ashes on this perfect meadow, in the gentle breeze, under the warm, European sky.And then I placed a single white rose in the center.There you are auntie Vera.You're where you belong on this lush meadow overlooking Salzburg.You will have the sound of birds and children's laughter near by. You will have people walking past. Happy people wandering on these hills and in the winter, you will have crisp white days and crystal snowflakes, and at night you will have twinkling stars.This has not been the easiest, most relaxing trip so far, but the big emotional decisions are done.I'm heading out of Austria now and back towards Prague.

Found family Bratislava and Budmerice, and took a couple days for myself

Hello my darling friends.I'm in Salzburg Austria tonight catching up on life.Life has been so fast these last two days that I really had to stop a minute and take a breath.It's been so emotional for me that's it's very hard to write this post...to keep going on...You see this next photo? It's of the tiny Budmerice village flower shop where I stopped to buy some flowers for my cousin Kveta who I have't seen for 47 years. I came to visit her with my cousin Zdenka, who so very graciously invited me to come stay with her.I have two cousins in Slovakia who I knew about and had vague glimpses of memories of but haven't seen since my very young childhood. You see, we escaped the occupied Czechoslovakia without being to tell anyone when I was very young, then we were banned from coming back until communism fell apart, then life and children and deaths...and there you have it. A life time passed.Anyway, to make this incredibly emotional story short, I found my girls. Both of them.And I love them and their families, and am so happy I have them in my life again.Oh long story, long story. A life time story.I am retracing my roots here.Kveta still lives in my grandparent's home, where she and Zdenka grew up with my grandparents after their parents both died (my father's sister and her husband).This home.I remember this home; which the girls inherited.I can't explain the feeling of walking thru the gates.You'll have to pardon my tears.The feeling of a loss in childhood regained, a feeling of family found, a feeling of belonging. I'm loosing all words. Anyone who has lost family and found them might understand, so I'll just describe and let you feel with me.Those hydrangeas.Those hydrangeas were there when I was a tot walking down the garden.That attic space.That attic space is where we played dress up and dug thru trunks of old dresses.These kittens.These kittens are new but there were always kittens here.This stall area.This is where the Christmas pig was which was meant to be slaughtered.I have a glimpse of some men being here with grandfather and one of them fell in and there was panic for his safety.I remember that.The garden where we used to run around and play.My girls.Kveta on the left and Zdenka on the right.Pardon our red eyes.We were very weepy.There you have it guys.What a couple of emotional days.I can't believe I found my cousins and finally have a chance to connect in person.I'm so happy.This gate!This is the very gate which leads form the courtyard to the orchard and garden.This is the same walnut tree.Some Polaroid photos for my journal.This path behind the village.I have glimpses of us running thru the field.There is the most amazing field here edged with poplars and cherry trees.We ate cherries till we couldn't eat any more.And then this! The girls prepared some photos for me.Would you like me to describe?I could but I can't explain what I feel in my heart.That large photo of that handsome man in the middle. That's my father who I never knew. Wasn't he handsome? Just like a movie star.That photo on the right hand side of the babe and the old lady. That's me and my grandmother, and it's a copy of the only photo I have of her.That photo of the young child, bottom right. That's me at about the time that we left the old Czechoslovakia knowing we would quite probably never be able to return.My cousins carefully kept and preserved all these photos never knowing if they'd ever see me again or even if I was even alive!And here: a family tree of sorts.From the left: Family portrait with an aunt, both of my grandmothers (dad's on the left and mom's on the right), and my grandfather, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother and me.That's one half of where I come from.One half is the grand and noble von Alemann family; who started the whole German race in 1218, and one half is the Miscovic family, who lived their own stormy lives I never knew about. Till now.So there you have it guys.I've left Slovakia now and had to leave my family for a while, (I will so be back).And now for another emotional and personal journey.I've driven all over the place. Thru Vienna and thru Linz, and now am in Salzburg.I'm searching Austria for the perfect spot for my aunt's ashes.I think I found the right spot.In the mean time, much love to all of us who search and strive to connect.And even if you don't, hug your family a little tighter for me tonight.Whew emotional roller coaster.Those of you who like the merry-go-round, this ride is a little too turbulent!

Time with my boys

Things have been a bit quiet here in blog land and with good reason. You see, I needed some time with Robert and Theo because tomorrow I must away back to Vancouver.And we'll miss each other for a few months, but it's time again.The more our month together have to be interrupted with months apart, the more I'm determined to figure out our lives. But now Christmas time is over. Friends have been visited, Christmas treats have been eaten, copious amounts of tea have been served, Micro T has been neutered, vaccinated, and accidentally given two baths, a little art has happened, and a couple major jobs have been completed.So one more sleep and off I go. Next post from home, missing home. :(

Today can be classified in that "Well, if you can believe this!" department!!!

Oh, if you can believe this!Today I promised my mother that I would give her a hand running some errands and take her downtown for her specialist health check appointment.You probably already know mom's 80 million years old, and hates driving downtown and trying to park there, an I'm a chill downtown driver, (probably owning to my favourite super aggressive, racing, weaving in and out of traffic driving style...in a safe way)So I drove my red sports car out to mom's and parked it up, jumped into her car and we ran some errands for her, I parked up in a back lane while she ran an appointment for 10 minutes, she came back to the car I tried to start it and...nothing. I clicked the starter again, and nothing. Again and again, nothing and nothing. After a quick read on https://www.toolnerds.com/ we knew for sure that it was the damn battery or alternator.By now, mom had about 20 minutes to get downtown for that health check. I called a taxi and called mom's Mercedes person for the Road star roadside assistance for a jump start.The taxi arrived, and I packed mom off in the taxi and waited for help. The Road star assistance arrived and the fellow jump started mom's car. And now here's the trick: Why the hell did mom's battery die. I had the seat warmers on while we were driving, but the car shut down while I was waiting. Hmm...time for a new battery probably.So while mom was at her health check, I drove around trying to charge up the battery, while speaking to the Mercedes people (hands free, don't freak out), trying to fit a new battery and routine maintenance into the narrowest margin of time, between tomorrow morning and Friday morning when I have to take mom to Seattle for a conference.Well long story short, several hours later, my sports car parked in mom's garage, I've got mom getting a lift from a fellow doctor to her hospital for her rounds tomorrow, and me driving mom's car to drop it off this evening for a 9:30am appointment tomorrow at the Mercedes service, where they'll fix everything.Whew!I must admit I always look at that photo of my late father in mom's dining room and think about the calm and easy way he'd handle any "freakout" situation. He never raised his voice, he never lost his cool, and he always got results.Now I can tell you that, for all the luxury and prestige, I wouldn't want have mom's temperamental Mercedes for a minute, but you know, one lovely thing about a full service, upscale car dealership is that they immediately called me a taxi and sent me on my way with a full price taxi voucher, today's newspaper, a promise to polish and clean the interior of the car, AND a cup of tea. I can tell you that by this evening I was willing to murder for a cup of tea.This is the photo I took out of the window of the taxi while my iPhone was on 3% battery power from all the use!Oh my god it's so very good to be home!

It's been a long day so I might be rambling on

Last night some dental floss snagged on the edge of my molar. Oh brother. Today's emergency dentist appointment confirmed my suspicions: the root canal compromised the porcelain overlay and the porcelain cracked. Oh well, that's a whole day gone and the near future me has to spend $1500, that I really didn't need to spend, but then, that's life, and how lucky am I to live in this country with great medical help. I'm particularly concerned about that tooth and healing it because it's a known fact that latent and chronic inflammation leads to wonky cellnosity, and, as you know, that's something I really don't want to mess with ever again. Visit a dentist today and view dental payment plans to avoid your dental issues from exacerbating.Anyway, I've been really busy and running my head off trying to get things in order before I switch countries, and haven't been taking the time I should take to reply here to all your lovely comments, and especially because I'm more concerned about getting round to your blogs and leaving comments there, rather than leaving replies here, so I tend to do that first...and run out of time.So there are my very good and very favourite daily bloggie friends who I usually visit every morning, check in, all's right in their world, I can go on. Then there are the people I treasure and love to visit who post three times/week, or possibly every time they feel like it...anyway, I pop round there too. Then there are the people who I meet from FB or some of the groups I belong to and think, "Hmm, I'll just go check them out." And sometimes they become friends too. It's nice having friends, isn't it?People...you all...stay in my mind and I think of you often. And, I've been at this blogging business for so many years, that I know how it goes. The people who's blogs I enjoyed last year, I might not be enjoying this year any more, and vice versa. People stop and retire their blogs, I find new people who I can visit and have a lovely time reading...and so it goes...all within my mornings, over a couple cups of tea and my toast, all between 5-9am.Mostly if I want to catch up with my friends, I tend to subscribe to their posting via my email. (There's a grand total of 9 blogs I subscribe to via my personal email, but also some with bloglovin) To me these friendships matter. They do. I see some people as true friends. I've invested time getting to know them, getting to know their families, their lives, and I look forward to the day we might meet in person.I am getting somewhere...lol...I promise.Anyway, one such friend, Barb, whose blog I subscribe to, has been having a tough time of it. She beat the wonky cellnosity a few years ago and it came back in a different and more virulent form. She has been updating her blog as she could, as she had the energy while dealing with the fallout from the drug cocktail that is chemo. And I was thinking about her yesterday, wondering how she's doing. This morning a new blog post email came to my inbox. But it wasn't from Barb. It was from her husband, saying that Barb succumbed to that horrible disease on Sunday. Here are some of the things he wrote:"Those that did correspond with her please know you helped her with her fight and added to the pleasure she received as she [was] writing her stories.To all of you thank you.As this will be the final post I ask that no-one reply to this as I will not be monitoring any reply to have it posted. So rather than reply please simply send out a thought or prayer on Barb’s behalf and that will serve a better purpose than a typed message.God Bless her and keep her safe."So here I am, agnostic/atheist me, ready to offer a little prayer to any of the gods out there listening, "Godspeed Barb. I'm happy to know I made your life a little better. You made mine a little better too."And the last thing I want to say...because you're probably all rolling your eyes at the screen muttering, "god does that girl ever go on!", is that, even though I don't always have the time to reply, (I wish I did have more time), the tracker tells me that today there have been 326 visitors here and I want to say THANK YOU! I want to tell you that each time you visit, each time you leave me a comment, you make my day brighter, happier. I feel lucky to have you all in my life and I think about you, wonder how your day is going, look forward to popping in on FB or on your blogs and catching up, and I consider you my friend. And if you've stuck with me this far, then you're a true friend...lol... and now I will end this ridiculous, rambling blog post with Barb's signature saying:Remember to be well.