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Trouble in paradise


The hardest lesson for me is accepting that sometimes there are things beyond my control. Sometimes there is no fix and nothing to do but wait it out. Allowing feelings to bury me deep underground for a couple of days without fighting them…letting things just happen, that’s one of the hardest things to do.

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One of my friends is very spiritual. She seems very grounded, enlightened, connected to nature. She told me that my authentic self is repressed, that I should be more playful. Yeah, probably. It’s been commented on more than once. I figure my authentic self would just like to be left alone. I’m too busy fixing things or organising the hell out of everything, or, you know, preparing for the apocalypse.

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Anyway, it’s a weird time. A sort of in-between time that feels like a such a race, doesn’t it? The scurrying around, the decorating, the preparations, it’s all a bit timeless and placeless, yet everyone’s running around like time’s running out. And I’m sitting here staring out the window thinking there aren’t enough sunny autumnal days left, (there never are).

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I revel in the melancholy of it all. The ending of autumn is always better than the beginning. Autumn sort of slides in without anyone really noticing, but the ending! Oh the ending is so dramatic – like when being broken hearted feels good because you’re feeling something so much and it’s so much better than the alternative of not feeling anything at all.

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I’m rambling, but it helps me to write my feeling and thoughts, and it helps me to share them with you.
I should be painting something. I should be seriously busy and focused on my career. But I’m looking out the window again. The leaves are just so beautiful. This is November’s favourite party trick. I’m torn between staring out the window and picking up my pencil. But whatever I draw won’t be enough. That’s the heartbreak of autumn.

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Morgan is perfectly happy doing a whole lot of nothing. And I may be starting to resent her for that.

I feel like I need a good hair cut.

Am I being dramatic?


Comments: 15

  • November 3, 2015

    Here’s a hug. Not going to tell you to let loose or play or get back to work. Just a hug.
    I have a very different experience with fall. I am excited about walking through leaves, being awed by the colours and the wind storms.
    Winter is when it gets me. Days of grey and rain. But then it’s spring again!!!!!!
    xo hug xo

  • November 3, 2015

    Sometimes life just fails to deliver – regardless of the effort put into it. A favourite song talks about worrying about living too fast too slow – sums it up for me and reminds me to seek that elusive balance. Still seeking …

  • November 3, 2015

    I hope none of this has to do with your health, I hope that you’re feeling well in that department.
    The heart is more fickle right?
    You have SUCH beautiful things, I love your posts which are full of photos from around your home.
    I have no words or comfort and advice, just the hopes that this ‘mood’ doesn’t last too long and you’re back to feeling more balanced soon.

      • November 9, 2015

        U2’s song Some Days has that wonderful line: ‘Some days have bouncers and won’t let you in’.
        I love that line.
        Glad you are WELL.

  • Dana Fulton

    November 4, 2015

    I thought that I was the only one. Instead of seeing and enjoying each moment of this time of year I begin to feel the pressure of expectation on me for the upcoming holidays. So much to do. All I can do is join in agreement with the host of your blog friends and send love and light your way. You are not alone. ?

  • daryledelstein

    November 4, 2015

    i think my authentic self is .. heck i have no idea …

  • November 4, 2015

    I find it very … frustrating, shall we say … when people tell me (or anyone) about what my authentic self is, and how it should be. It’s like when people (mostly men) tell a woman she should be smiling. I especially get frustrated by this notion that being “playful” is a good thing – tt may be for some, but not for all.

    But then, I’m strange. Because I read your post and then went through everyone else’s comments and had to reread the post, and I still don’t see anything there I can comfort you for. I revel in the melancholy of autumn also. I get lost in the sad beauty of it all, and even that feeling of “I should be doing more than staring out the window at this loveliness” feels right in its own way, its a liminal feeling, just right for the winding down season of the year, before the bustle and busyness of Christmastide. But I offer you ((hugs)) anyway, as I probably have entirely the wrong interpretation! 🙂

  • Jo

    November 5, 2015

    Sometimes we need to be busy – sometimes we need to be calm and sometimes we just need to be left alone to ponder where we are – where we’ve been – where we’re going – and then sometimes we just need to be left alone for as long as we want. There will always be things to do – and I love the doing – but taking time to enjoy the end of Autumn is one of the good things in life. Great post.

  • November 8, 2015

    You are not being dramatic .. Just your usual gorgeous self! Love your pics and blog V ?

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