Trouble in paradise

November 3, 2015

sunlight

The hardest lesson for me is accepting that sometimes there are things beyond my control. Sometimes there is no fix and nothing to do but wait it out. Allowing feelings to bury me deep underground for a couple of days without fighting them…letting things just happen, that’s one of the hardest things to do.

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One of my friends is very spiritual. She seems very grounded, enlightened, connected to nature. She told me that my authentic self is repressed, that I should be more playful. Yeah, probably. It’s been commented on more than once. I figure my authentic self would just like to be left alone. I’m too busy fixing things or organising the hell out of everything, or, you know, preparing for the apocalypse.

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Anyway, it’s a weird time. A sort of in-between time that feels like a such a race, doesn’t it? The scurrying around, the decorating, the preparations, it’s all a bit timeless and placeless, yet everyone’s running around like time’s running out. And I’m sitting here staring out the window thinking there aren’t enough sunny autumnal days left, (there never are).

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I revel in the melancholy of it all. The ending of autumn is always better than the beginning. Autumn sort of slides in without anyone really noticing, but the ending! Oh the ending is so dramatic – like when being broken hearted feels good because you’re feeling something so much and it’s so much better than the alternative of not feeling anything at all.

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I’m rambling, but it helps me to write my feeling and thoughts, and it helps me to share them with you.
I should be painting something. I should be seriously busy and focused on my career. But I’m looking out the window again. The leaves are just so beautiful. This is November’s favourite party trick. I’m torn between staring out the window and picking up my pencil. But whatever I draw won’t be enough. That’s the heartbreak of autumn.

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Morgan is perfectly happy doing a whole lot of nothing. And I may be starting to resent her for that.

I feel like I need a good hair cut.

Am I being dramatic?

inspiration

Reflections
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15 Comments

  • Reply Carole Reid November 3, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    Here’s a hug. Not going to tell you to let loose or play or get back to work. Just a hug.
    I have a very different experience with fall. I am excited about walking through leaves, being awed by the colours and the wind storms.
    Winter is when it gets me. Days of grey and rain. But then it’s spring again!!!!!!
    xo hug xo

    • Reply Veronica November 4, 2015 at 8:00 pm

      Aw, thank you dearest. Some days I dream of that cold, crisp and dry kind of autumn, like maybe Vermont, or Colorado. I don’t really know though because I’ve never been there in the autumn, so only imagine it’s the perfect place with golden leaves and frost edged meadows. Far removed from the squelchy sogfest autumn round here. Love that brief cold snap we usually get Dec or January though, so there’s that. 😀

  • Reply pomomama November 3, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Sometimes life just fails to deliver – regardless of the effort put into it. A favourite song talks about worrying about living too fast too slow – sums it up for me and reminds me to seek that elusive balance. Still seeking …

    • Reply Veronica November 4, 2015 at 7:55 pm

      I know, me too Amanda. Some days are just a little too long. But then I sleep it off and everything take on a bit of a rosier glow. 😀

  • Reply Molly November 3, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    I hope none of this has to do with your health, I hope that you’re feeling well in that department.
    The heart is more fickle right?
    You have SUCH beautiful things, I love your posts which are full of photos from around your home.
    I have no words or comfort and advice, just the hopes that this ‘mood’ doesn’t last too long and you’re back to feeling more balanced soon.
    xxx

    • Reply Veronica November 4, 2015 at 7:54 pm

      Everything’s fine Molly. Some days just have to happen. They don’t last long. I’m happy you told me you like photos around the house. I never know what to post anyway, so it’s great to know that. 😀

      • Reply Molly November 9, 2015 at 10:42 pm

        U2’s song Some Days has that wonderful line: ‘Some days have bouncers and won’t let you in’.
        I love that line.
        Glad you are WELL.
        x

  • Reply Dana Fulton November 4, 2015 at 5:01 am

    I thought that I was the only one. Instead of seeing and enjoying each moment of this time of year I begin to feel the pressure of expectation on me for the upcoming holidays. So much to do. All I can do is join in agreement with the host of your blog friends and send love and light your way. You are not alone. ?

    • Reply Veronica November 4, 2015 at 7:52 pm

      Atta girl! I like your style. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, an anyway, it doesn’t last long. 😀

  • Reply daryledelstein November 4, 2015 at 5:30 am

    i think my authentic self is .. heck i have no idea …

    • Reply Veronica November 4, 2015 at 7:50 pm

      Lol, atta girl! We’re the “heck we have no idea” club. 😀

  • Reply sarah November 4, 2015 at 9:17 am

    I find it very … frustrating, shall we say … when people tell me (or anyone) about what my authentic self is, and how it should be. It’s like when people (mostly men) tell a woman she should be smiling. I especially get frustrated by this notion that being “playful” is a good thing – tt may be for some, but not for all.

    But then, I’m strange. Because I read your post and then went through everyone else’s comments and had to reread the post, and I still don’t see anything there I can comfort you for. I revel in the melancholy of autumn also. I get lost in the sad beauty of it all, and even that feeling of “I should be doing more than staring out the window at this loveliness” feels right in its own way, its a liminal feeling, just right for the winding down season of the year, before the bustle and busyness of Christmastide. But I offer you ((hugs)) anyway, as I probably have entirely the wrong interpretation! 🙂

    • Reply Veronica November 4, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      Me too! Ah, thank goodness there’s some out there who thinks like I do. Sometimes I feel like Hamlet bordering on obsessive self reflection. I try not to enjoy and not to wallow in the buried deep feelings, but you know what? I like it. It eventually dissipates, so no big deal. I’ll take the hug anyway. One day in person. 😀 Hug right back

  • Reply Jo November 5, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    Sometimes we need to be busy – sometimes we need to be calm and sometimes we just need to be left alone to ponder where we are – where we’ve been – where we’re going – and then sometimes we just need to be left alone for as long as we want. There will always be things to do – and I love the doing – but taking time to enjoy the end of Autumn is one of the good things in life. Great post.

  • Reply Julie@frogpondfarm November 8, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    You are not being dramatic .. Just your usual gorgeous self! Love your pics and blog V ?

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